Why Do You Do What You Do?

Dear Outside World,

           

            I am sorry for being absent most recently. There have been many reasons including shotty internet service, being swamped at trying to figure out teaching, battling being seen as just another person to pick up the slack, and probably the biggest, attempting to figure out exactly why I am where I am. Everyday brings new challenges and there are difficulties that are come with teaching especially with where I am. There is the everyday battle with controlling a class, the battle with seeing myself as a teaching adult and not as a student, the battle with coworkers that don’t take my suggestions or comments seriously because I was not trained in teaching and therefore have no idea what I am talking about, and most seriously – the battle with people who you feel just don’t care.

            I debated whether I wanted to write a post like this or not. I wondered if explaining my struggles would look bad on my community or country. But as I think about everything more and more, and talk to others about my current struggles I have begun to realize that the stuff that has gotten me down recently is not an isolated thing. It’s a universal one, and it’s the challenge of dealing with people who seem not to care.

            When I was a ripe old age of 18, just having graduated from high school and about to begin my university career in the international relations field I had a summer job working as a teachers’ aid. This particular summer all I was tasked with doing was making copies in the morning and then sitting around trying to entertain myself while simultaneously trying to ignore the other kid who’s entertainment was lets-see-what-we-can-do-today-to-irritate-Shannon. At one point he asked me what I was planning on studying. When I told him international relations, he asked why and I told him because I wanted to help create a better world for the future. I don’t remember quite how the conversation went but he challenged me asking why I do good things. I thought about it, and responded that it was probably because I wanted to help to make the world a better place and I believe good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. He then came back to me with the conclusive argument that I was selfish. Because I wanted good things to happen to me, I did good things to others. Needless to say, I was quite peeved at that. Someone I did not know was calling me selfish because I confided in him my deep personal thoughts. This idea absolutely stumped me and continued to do so until this weekend. So thank you Doug Johnson for planting this seed inside of me 5 years ago however, this weekend I came up with my answer.

            Recently I have been struggling at school with trying to implement change for the better however I am often met with “Great idea! That would be wonderful. Go ahead and do it.” Then I sit there like “Well we ALL have to participate for it to be successful.” Especially with me only being here for two years the last thing I want is to do all these things and in two years, no matter how much success there is, it stops. Throughout all of training we learned that sustainability is key, it you are not teaching someone to continue what you start, you will not have the effect you want.

I am constantly met with the excuse “Well you don’t need two people to do that job, you can do it yourself” “You can’t ask a senior teacher to do that, they are our superior so you can’t expect them to do something they don’t want to” “I have too many things on my plate” (this is quite legitimate as half the teachers here work also at the hostel, manage family farms, or have children to care for) or my personal favorite “How can you ask that of me when I have many other things going on in my life like church choir!” I find myself having to bite my tongue more often than not to suppress my urge to yell “Well its your JOB!” The disappointing part of this is that most of these excuses have come when I bring up that the student’s safety, security, or academic success is at risk. It is frustrating to wonder that if I wasn’t there would that kid have died? Or If I do not take this time to make myself available to give a student a make up assignment, will they fail my class and then the whole year (if a student does not pass English or Math then they are held back to retake the whole year again)?

It’s a sad fact of life that there will always be those people who cannot be bothered with something you care so deeply about. It is a struggle that is faced all over the world, in all industries, by all people. However, doesn’t it become something more when children are involved? This past weekend was the culmination of all my frustrations.

It was out weekend for the hostel meaning that all the kids were to go home on Friday afternoon and return on Sunday evening. It is the only time in the whole month when the kids get to go home and see their parents, get more money, and not have to answer to a teacher which is why I was shocked when 2 boys came to my door at nearly 7 at nigh asking for something for a teacher who lives/works at the hostel. They said they didn’t know where their ride was and that they were trying to convince someone to drive them a short 50min south or 30 minutes to the highway. No such luck in the previous 5 hours. I asked if they had dinner and they said no because they had no money and thought they would have been home by now. I told them to come back in a bit if they were still here and I would make them dinner.

At that time also, the shops were closing making it impossible to get anything even if you had money. I began to worry and texted another teacher asking if I should make the kids dinner. He said that would be very much appreciated and that there were a total of 14 of them. What? There are 14 abandoned teenagers with no food and no money and no one made sure they had dinner? I was met with a host of excuses as to why it was not a problem but what it came down to was that my students should be at home with their families but were not and instead were in a deserted hostel and hungry.

We ended up managing with some rice and canned veggies to make stir-fry for those who did not get a PB&J. They also devoured the last of my candy cane stash. The whole meal, feeding all 14 of them cost about $50. In USD that’s just $5. I didn’t need it when I asked someone for a reimbursement – I was more so curious to what they would say, giving them the benefit of the doubt that maybe they were just unable to help the kids but were grateful that someone did. This person actually stared at me like I had pulled a gun and shot them and told me that feeding the kids dinner was my choice so I wasn’t getting any money for it.

I really was not upset about the money, it wasn’t a lot and I got to hang out with some of my students outside the classroom, some of us watched Despicable Me, and some of them cleaned my house. I really couldn’t complain, but I was baffled that I was the only one to step up and for lack of a better phrase, come to their rescue. So then I wondered to myself, why did I do that? Why did I just help these kids? It would have been a good life lesson in budgeting for all of them. A bowl of popcorn, Frozen and a nice adult drink alone would have been good too. So am I expecting something good to come out of this? No. Am I turning into my mother doing whatever I can to help people even if it means giving up almost two weeks worth of food? Hopefully! But really, why? I even posted it on Facebook and am now writing a super long blog about it. Do I want gratification for my good deed? I mean I am already in the Peace Corps. Am I really actually selfish? Oh god!

Have no fear though, I had a revelation in the bathtub.

So Doug Johnson, this is for you. Is doing good actually a selfish act when you hope for good karma to come? Maybe for some people. And you know what, that is okay. At least you are doing good. James Madison also taught me that man is inherently selfish so naturally I would expect nothing less. BUT is it still selfish when you do a good deed for the betterment of the world? Or the future? Or even just one person’s life? I didn’t want anything from these kids, or their parents. Some kid asked if his mom could buy me chocolate, and I asked him why? I didn’t feed them dinner for chocolate, I can go get myself some chocolate whenever I want. What I realized, and hoped, would come out of this sad situation was that hopefully these 14 kids would see how easy it is to help someone and that they would then do it one day to another. Hopefully their parents would realize that there was someone out there that helped their child when they could not themselves and maybe one day they will do it for another kid. SO does this make me selfish? I don’t think it does one bit.

Yes this is the textbook idea of “pay it forward” and there is a strong sense of community here so how does this change anything? Maybe it could help people realize that the generosity that you have with those you love and that are part of your community can be extended to anyone. The tone that I got from those who did not choose to help the kids was fear of greed, abuse, and setting a precedence of certain expectations. This fear is not irrational, just the Monday after I was trying to ask a girl to stop talking in my class. She interrupts me to tell me that the government vehicle did not come until 1 in the morning and so the next Friday that there is an out weekend her sister and her are just going to come over and have me make dinner for them. Um no you’re not dear… But is fear of these kids and parents expecting me or anyone to do this again for them reason to not help? Yes – there is a lesson here to be learned about self-sufficiency, these kids are like 15, 16, and 17. They weren’t going to die. Is it good enough to let them go hungry though, or to turn your back on them? Its debatable, and depends on what is important to you. For me, what was important was showing my students that I cared about them.

So can I make these other adults care about and act on all the things that contribute to the success and well being of these teenagers? No probably not, they all have their reasons, and there will be many more situations with more reasons. I can however show these people, and the kids, and their parents that it is possible though, and quite easy. You know what, you might even get a cleaned flat out of it.