Shit My Learners Say Part 1

Do you have clowns in America?

Yes?

Maybe you can take some of these back to America with you.

Are you married?

No

Do you have a boyfriend?

No

Do you want one?

No

Do you know Chris Brown? Donald Trump? Lil Wayne?

No but I live by Eminem.

YOU KNOW HIM?

No I have never seen him.

How do you live by him but have never seen him?

Are there beautiful ladies in America?

Yes? Just like there are beautiful ladies here too and beautiful men.

Oooooooo MISS!!!!!!!!

Are you a part of the Illumaniti?

What are you talking about? No.

But your ring is a symbol of it.

No this is a peace sign.

Yeah that’s a sign of devil worshipers.

No it means peace. Where did you hear that?

The Internet.

I read that Namibia is full of snow on the Internet. Is that true?

What? No!

Exactly….

Miss the Illumanati is true!

No it is not, it is fake. I promise you.

No miss, I will bring you in one and prove it to you.

Is Nikki Minaj’s butt real?

What? I don’t know the specifics of people’s body parts.

What about Kim Karsdashian?

Miss, do bank robberies happen all the time? Is that how American’s are so rich?

Never in my life have I ever heard of a successful bank robbery.

Ohhhh so miss the movies are not real.

No hun. They are not real.

Miss, if I was given the choice between a cool drink and miss…

DO NOT ANSWER THAT.

But Miss

IF YOU ANSWER THAT YOU ARE GOING TO THE OFFICE

Miss I would take the cool drink and pour it and give it to you.

Oh lord you guys

Hello/ Good Morning/ Good Afternoon/ Good Afterbreak Miss *boys while waving arms at sides like birds or fish or something*

What are you doing?

Miss they’re our wings of love.

Do you seriously do this when you walk into class each morning?

No Miss only to the teachers we like.

Yes Miss and I only like you.

Miss do you have siblings?

Yes I have two sister.  They are 19. They are twins.

OOO do they look alike?

No actually I look more like each of them than they look like each other

Oh Miss you must take us to America with you when you go.

Sorry Allison and Kathleen I may have married you off…..

As a follow up to the previous ones the girls then replied

Miss do you have any boy cousins?

Yes I do

Oh Miss you must bring me them.

You do not want to marry my cousin

But miss why?

You just don’t

But Miss he is an American and I will love him

Oh lord, sorry Jimmy and Patrick

Miss where are you staying?

I’m staying with Christopher’s family right now but Im going to be living on the hostel grounds soon.

Miss, I’m going to bring my horses to show you.

I’m sorry but I’m not allowed to ride horses here. They’ll send me home because its dangerous.

What Miss?? No! My horses are not dangerous. I will bring one over and you will ride it and I will walk it, you will be very safe.

What does the water taste like in America?

Water? It tastes like water?

No it must taste different!

No really it tastes the same…..

Miss  you must carry an umbrella so the sun doesn’t hurt your beautiful skin

My host brother: Isnt the sun going to hurt you?

What?

Yes you are wearing short pants, wont the sun hurt your skin?

I’m going outside for like 10 minutes.

Okay but the sun is like allergic to you. Look what it did to my skin! (shows me his peeling arm.)

Yeah its just a sun burn. Have you never had one before?

No never!

I get them like at least once a year. I think I will be okay.

Miss why is your forehead two different colors?

That’s what happens when you put white people in the sun for too long. They burn and then they peel.

Oh Miss it looks like your skin is coming off!

Well it is but its dead so its good.

Oh Miss are you sure you’re not part of the Illuminati?

Upon seeing two girls crowd continuously going up to the classroom sink and look at something I ask them what is there.

No miss its nothing!

*Walking over to the sink* No what is it tell me now

No Miss don’t touch it!

I swear if it is a bug I will kill it.

OH NO MISS PLEASE!

I look into the sink and see a giant terrifying bug about half as big as my hand. So I say OMG get that out of here. If it is not gone in 10 seconds I will kill it!

No miss it is sick! It must stay in here.

No it is not sick

Yes he has a fever!

Hun, I studied bugs for like 4 years, they don’t get fevers.

Yes he has a fever

Well then he has fever because he is living in a chip bag and belongs outside.

The 16 year old girls then begin crying that this bug cannot go outside. I made them put it outside away from the window and they proceded to fake cry the REST OF THE DAY while peeking over their shoulders to see if I was watching.

Bonus** Not my learners but here are a few text messages from Mr. Derek that made me pee my pants.

Me: I want to show Mean Girls at the hostel.

Derek: OMG yes! My host family in Okahandja loved it too! I;m thinking it might be a little too racy for up here though considering the kids covered their eyes during a bugs life.

Me: What?? Omg I am dying! Hahahah
Derek: Like really? The grasshoppers are too scary? Stop.

Mind you I received this one during silent study time and began to cry while I stifled my laughter observing a similar cafeteria style map directly in front of my eyes.

Derek: So I started writing a Mean Girls Namibia… This is the map to my combined school, you’ve got your small boys, your unfriendly grade 10s, crazy pre primaries, girls with nice shoes, girls with no shoes at all, the greatest teacher you will ever meet, and the worst. Beware of the teachers with sticks….

I told him I would fund his project.

I received this one while at a funeral.

Derek: I am watching he Lion King in Africa. This is ridiculous. We live in Africa.

Today meme brought home chocolate. I got the white chocolate, everyone else got

milk…coincidence or her idea of a joke?

OMG OMG OMG Greatest moment ever. There is a girl in group 34 who is from Norway and we’re at her site looking at books, one was in Swedish. Alex goes “you know Swedish” and I burst out “YEAH everyone in Africa knows Swedish!” GREATEST MEAN GIRLS MOMENT EVER